1
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:30,110
Brands not the box that tastes nice,
Malcolm.

2
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:31,530
It's roughage.

3
00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:33,230
It's got a job to do.

4
00:00:33,590 --> 00:00:35,710
And I can't say what, because we're
eating.

5
00:00:36,450 --> 00:00:38,870
But let's say it helps move things
along.

6
00:00:39,170 --> 00:00:41,070
You know, waste products and excretia.

7
00:00:41,550 --> 00:00:43,410
I don't need any help, though, ma 'am.

8
00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:48,970
Well, I was reading this article the
other day, and it said that if you lined

9
00:00:48,970 --> 00:00:52,870
all the constipated people in Britain,
the queue would stretch round Wembley

10
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:53,870
three times.

11
00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:55,710
Blimey, Charlie.

12
00:00:57,930 --> 00:00:58,950
Why Wembley, ma 'am?

13
00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:00,490
Well, Wembley's in London.

14
00:01:00,790 --> 00:01:02,690
That's where all the constipated people
are.

15
00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:10,590
Glad we don't live near Wembley, ma 'am.
Oh, imagine having to push through that

16
00:01:10,590 --> 00:01:12,630
line up every morning to get to the bus
stop.

17
00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:16,670
Best off having bran every day, aren't
we?

18
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:18,310
Oh,

19
00:01:19,130 --> 00:01:21,070
your dad's nasal hair needs trimming
again.

20
00:01:21,530 --> 00:01:23,670
Oh, ma 'am, it's your turn.

21
00:01:24,190 --> 00:01:26,230
All right, but you'll have to hold his
head down.

22
00:01:26,610 --> 00:01:27,610
Right.

23
00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:31,260
I liked my dad when he was younger, ma
'am.

24
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,980
Oh, yes, you just like him. That same
zest for life.

25
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:39,800
When he was upright, your father had a
very inquiring mind.

26
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,219
Did he?

27
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:42,220
Oh, yes.

28
00:01:42,740 --> 00:01:46,360
He used to love taking things apart and
trying to put them back together again.

29
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:49,000
Everything from the toaster to the
universe.

30
00:01:51,180 --> 00:01:55,820
Ma 'am, did you and dad never think of
having any more children?

31
00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:01,220
Well, shortly after you were born, The
doctor advised me against it. He said he

32
00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:04,480
couldn't put his finger on the reason
why. He just had a gut feeling.

33
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,800
Why all this sudden interest, Malcolm?

34
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:13,420
Well, last night when you fell asleep
during Melvin Bragg, I turned the telly

35
00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:15,760
over and there was a woman on having a
baby.

36
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:17,340
Oh, you little monkey.

37
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,300
Was it Channel 4?

38
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,760
I'm going to take that knob off that
television.

39
00:02:27,950 --> 00:02:30,690
Mum, I think that band's working.

40
00:02:30,990 --> 00:02:32,870
Oh, you dirty article. Get upstairs.

41
00:02:37,670 --> 00:02:39,390
Don't use those wet wipes.

42
00:02:39,630 --> 00:02:40,630
They're only for show.

43
00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:52,690
Malcolm?

44
00:02:54,450 --> 00:02:56,050
Are you coming, Malcolm?

45
00:02:56,470 --> 00:02:57,470
Yeah.

46
00:02:58,730 --> 00:03:00,130
You've been aching.

47
00:03:01,350 --> 00:03:03,650
We're only going to the chemist. Right
now, ma 'am.

48
00:03:04,170 --> 00:03:05,170
Ooh.

49
00:03:06,190 --> 00:03:08,650
Look at you, doing up like Burton's
window.

50
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:12,610
Very with it. Very Quentin Tarantino.

51
00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:15,930
I think you're quite partial to that
Judith part.

52
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,069
I'm not.

53
00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:19,890
Well, it's not Mr Mallet you're getting
all dressed up for.

54
00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:22,870
Right, come on. We want to be back for
Richard and Judy.

55
00:03:23,130 --> 00:03:24,830
Susan Brooks is doing shoe pastry.

56
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:33,100
Apply this ointment to the swollen area
twice a day, especially at night. Then

57
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,160
it can work its magic whilst you are
sleeping.

58
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:36,820
Thank you, Mr. Malcom.

59
00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:41,020
Ah, Mrs. Merton and Malcolm.

60
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,720
How is Mr. Merton? Oh, seriously.

61
00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:47,040
Hey, what was that ointment for she was
having?

62
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,460
Sweat glands under her armpits.

63
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:50,720
Really?

64
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:53,560
She's asked for one of those new
barracks arms as well.

65
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,060
Hello, Judith.

66
00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:58,580
Have you seen Malcolm? It's Judith.

67
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,460
Brought my Malcolm with me, Judith.

68
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,260
Hello, Malcolm.

69
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:04,480
Hello, Judith.

70
00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:09,500
Oh, that athlete's pot powder. It
cleared up the fungal growth between his

71
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,100
A treat, didn't it, Malcolm?

72
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:14,780
It was only one foot, Mum. You're making
it sound like it was both.

73
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:16,159
Now, don't throw it away.

74
00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:20,220
It lasts for up to six months. Oh, I'm
sure I'll find some other use for it.

75
00:04:21,339 --> 00:04:23,160
Looking very bonny today, Judith.

76
00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:25,260
Are you courting at all?

77
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,890
No. Well, you won't believe this, but
neither's my Malcolm.

78
00:04:29,330 --> 00:04:30,770
What do you think of that, Mr Malick?

79
00:04:31,330 --> 00:04:32,810
Sometimes I wish I was single.

80
00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:34,110
Oh, so do I.

81
00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:36,190
At least your wife's not bedridden.

82
00:04:36,530 --> 00:04:37,750
She may as well be.

83
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:39,910
All she does is watch Ricky Lake.

84
00:04:40,690 --> 00:04:44,670
Oh, before I forget, Lily's coming in
this afternoon with a prescription for

85
00:04:44,670 --> 00:04:47,370
cystitis. Thank you. I'll look forward
to that.

86
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:50,630
Have you seen the film Titanic, Judith?

87
00:04:51,530 --> 00:04:52,530
No, I haven't.

88
00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:54,130
It's about a thinking boat.

89
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,660
Have you seen it, Mr Malick? No, I've no
interest in shipping. Thanks all the

90
00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:02,579
same.

91
00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:04,480
Now, that Mr Merton's prescription.

92
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,000
Oh, his gums are bleeding again.

93
00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:09,740
How did he get on with his eardrop?

94
00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:12,500
Loosened the wax a treat. Gave him great
relief.

95
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:13,800
Thank you, Judith.

96
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,860
Mrs Merton, Mrs Salmon's photographs
have been developed. Oh, let me have a

97
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:19,859
look.

98
00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:23,480
Is that a new bikini she's wearing? Oh,
I don't know, but I think she could do

99
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:24,940
with a couple of your razors.

100
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,420
Is she looking backwards or forwards in
that one?

101
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:28,640
I don't think it matters.

102
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,680
Susan Brooks is doing choux pastry.

103
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:31,979
Is she?

104
00:05:31,980 --> 00:05:32,980
Yeah.

105
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:37,000
Do you like choux pastry, Judith? Don't
be so personal, Malcolm.

106
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,800
Oh, you don't have to answer that,
Judith.

107
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,200
Here we are.

108
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:46,120
Rub this into his gums twice a day,
especially at night, so it can work its

109
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:47,920
magic whilst Mr Merton sleeps.

110
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:52,140
Thank you. He's in agony with them gums,
you know. And here's me thinking he was

111
00:05:52,140 --> 00:05:53,140
just gurning.

112
00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:56,430
Malcolm. Oh, Malcolm.

113
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,010
Are you okay for dandruff shampoo?

114
00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:00,350
All right. Thanks, Mr. Malick.

115
00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:03,790
Do you remember that bait of dandruff he
had last year?

116
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:09,130
That was probably the worst case of
dandruff I have ever seen on anyone's

117
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:12,530
Really? Oh, my Malcolm's a medical
marvel.

118
00:06:13,090 --> 00:06:15,790
Right. Thank you, Mr. Malick. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Judy.

119
00:06:16,290 --> 00:06:17,290
Bye.

120
00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:23,450
Do you remember his dandruff, Miss
Potts?

121
00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:30,510
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
do, do.

122
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,540
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

123
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,780
Hello. Hiya. Good morning. Nice to see
you again. Here we go again. You can't

124
00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:01,499
see them.

125
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,280
In fact, you can't see anything this
morning.

126
00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:07,100
Maybe you know how well they get on,
them two, isn't it?

127
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,580
They're married, you know.

128
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:09,900
Not mother and son.

129
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:11,740
Really? Oh, yeah.

130
00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:17,780
Who's Peter Houston off?

131
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:19,840
Oh, I don't know.

132
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,560
Some posh stuff.

133
00:07:22,890 --> 00:07:25,950
They've gone above themselves, them two,
since they've moved to London.

134
00:07:30,530 --> 00:07:33,350
And Mickey Clarke.

135
00:07:34,730 --> 00:07:39,210
He wants to do something about his own
hair before he starts messing with

136
00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:40,210
everyone else's.

137
00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:44,110
I like his leather pants, though.

138
00:07:44,430 --> 00:07:45,590
Not mid -morning, Malcolm.

139
00:07:50,710 --> 00:07:51,710
Is it lovely?

140
00:07:52,270 --> 00:07:55,770
Richard always wants to be talking about
chronological matters.

141
00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:57,650
I get a bit embarrassed.

142
00:07:58,190 --> 00:07:59,290
So does Judy, look.

143
00:08:04,270 --> 00:08:06,170
She's not got the right answer, Sue.

144
00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:08,630
They're like a couple of shovels, them.

145
00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:14,330
Judith's got nice hands, ma 'am.

146
00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:18,470
Oh.

147
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,400
You can't seem to get Judith Potts off
your mind, young man.

148
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:26,120
I think you're smitten with the love
bug.

149
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:28,620
Why don't you ask her for a date?

150
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,580
Do you think she won't go out with me,
Mum?

151
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:36,360
Malcolm, you don't realise this. You're
considered quite a catch round here.

152
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:38,780
Do you want me to ring her?

153
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,000
No.

154
00:08:41,059 --> 00:08:43,020
Faint heart never won fair maiden.

155
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,740
Go on, give her a ring.

156
00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:49,870
Where do you think I'd be if I hadn't
called your father into asking me out?

157
00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:53,330
I don't know what to say to her, though.

158
00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,570
I didn't see that thinking boat film.

159
00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:58,570
Think?

160
00:08:58,850 --> 00:08:59,850
Yes.

161
00:09:00,190 --> 00:09:01,830
And you could throw in a fish supper.

162
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,230
You could pop down the post office and
get some of your savings out.

163
00:09:06,470 --> 00:09:07,470
Hello, Mum.

164
00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:09,190
They're your savings, Malcolm.

165
00:09:12,310 --> 00:09:13,310
Hello, Judy.

166
00:09:13,810 --> 00:09:14,910
It's Malcolm Merton.

167
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,880
I'm just ringing to see if you'd like to
come out on a date with me to see a

168
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,800
film and then have a fish supper.

169
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,040
You would?

170
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,640
Great! Bye.

171
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,200
Right, that's enough practising. Now do
it for real.

172
00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:38,320
Don't you come to the pictures with me?

173
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,120
Oh, hello, Mr Malick.

174
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:42,360
Is Judith Potts there, please?

175
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,700
No, she hasn't had time to rub it in his
gums yet.

176
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,400
Right.

177
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,800
He's gone to get her. She's filling up
the plaster drawer.

178
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,460
Come on.

179
00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:56,460
Hello, Judith.

180
00:09:56,780 --> 00:09:58,440
Would you like to come to the pictures
with me?

181
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,360
Malcolm Merton.

182
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,640
Tremendous! Shall I meet you outside the
pictures at eight o 'clock?

183
00:10:08,380 --> 00:10:11,380
Right. Thanks very much, Judith Potts.
Bye.

184
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:20,600
Sitting in the tree. K -I -S -S -I -N
-G.

185
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,900
Oh, oh, son.

186
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:24,960
Oh.

187
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:29,040
Oh, hello, Arthur.

188
00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:32,520
Oh, Arthur, have you heard the news?

189
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,060
Judith Potts has agreed to go to the
pictures with Malcolm.

190
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,860
Judith Potts agreed to go to the
pictures with Malcolm.

191
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,960
Oh, I don't know.

192
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,370
Who's Judith Potts?

193
00:10:43,670 --> 00:10:47,750
Mr Malick's assistant at the chemist.
Oh, she's a lovely girl.

194
00:10:48,150 --> 00:10:51,790
So is that Mr Merton's earwax? Oh,
that's Judith Potts.

195
00:10:53,170 --> 00:10:55,770
So, what you got to see then, Malcolm?

196
00:10:56,010 --> 00:10:57,270
The Titanic film.

197
00:10:57,710 --> 00:10:59,110
It's about a boat sinking.

198
00:11:00,710 --> 00:11:04,630
Oh, do you know, I think there was a
boat that sank called the Titanic.

199
00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:07,230
And he's taking her for a fish supper.

200
00:11:08,010 --> 00:11:12,170
Fish shopper? I don't know. You're
treating her like a princess.

201
00:11:13,870 --> 00:11:15,150
It'll be a dear do, though.

202
00:11:15,350 --> 00:11:16,690
Top night out like that.

203
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,010
Oh, he's got a favourite account,
Arthur.

204
00:11:19,410 --> 00:11:21,290
What, £72 .50 in it?

205
00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:23,010
£72 .50?

206
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,290
Oh, I don't know.

207
00:11:27,970 --> 00:11:30,510
Right, I'll nip up to see Mr Merton.

208
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,030
I've brought him some barley sugars.

209
00:11:32,690 --> 00:11:34,130
Oh, yeah, good, Arthur.

210
00:11:35,690 --> 00:11:38,010
Oh, Arthur, will you do me a favour?

211
00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:41,990
Before you pop the barley sugars in,
will you give his gums a little rub with

212
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:42,929
this?

213
00:11:42,930 --> 00:11:45,090
I'm too excited, what with all this
romance.

214
00:11:47,870 --> 00:11:50,690
So, what time are you meeting the lucky
lady?

215
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:52,410
Eight o 'clock.

216
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:53,670
Eight o 'clock?

217
00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:55,770
But it's nearly quarter to twelve now.

218
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:58,530
We've not got long to turn you into a
bobby dazzler.

219
00:11:58,930 --> 00:12:01,970
Come on, chop, chop. Right, you pop down
the post office.

220
00:12:02,190 --> 00:12:03,350
I'll iron your shirt.

221
00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:11,620
If you were the only girl in the world
and

222
00:12:11,620 --> 00:12:18,560
I was the only boy, nothing else would

223
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,240
matter in this world today.

224
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:27,100
We would go on living in the same old
way.

225
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,440
A garden of Eden...

226
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:37,440
Just made for two, and nothing to smear
our joy.

227
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,040
How's Mr. Merton?

228
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,300
Fine. He didn't seem to want the barley
sugar, though.

229
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,060
Did you rub that stuff on his gums?

230
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:51,980
What stuff?

231
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,200
The stuff I gave you earlier.

232
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:54,839
Did you?

233
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:55,840
Yes.

234
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,320
Oh, good stuff.

235
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,480
Don't worry about it.

236
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,340
I'll do it myself later when I get a
minute.

237
00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:13,100
Would you like a nice cup of tea,
Arthur?

238
00:13:13,340 --> 00:13:14,340
Oh, that could be grand.

239
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:18,500
Tea for two.

240
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,040
And two for tea.

241
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:22,260
Very good, Arthur.

242
00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:28,420
Lovely.

243
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,100
Do you like a nice piece of Madeira?

244
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,820
Madeira cake? Oh, I don't know.

245
00:13:46,580 --> 00:13:47,840
They're all the same, Arthur.

246
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,300
Yes, I know.

247
00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:09,570
Did you hear about Peggy Gosworth and
her new windows?

248
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:13,750
No. And I only thought last week she
never mentioned them.

249
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:17,210
PVC they are. Double glazed inside and
out.

250
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,610
That'll be twice as much to clean,
though.

251
00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:21,570
Last forever, apparently.

252
00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:23,190
And you never have to paint them.

253
00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:27,770
The man that put them in said they'd be
there long after the house was knocked

254
00:14:27,770 --> 00:14:28,870
down. Imagine that.

255
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,060
Mind you, I don't trust PVC.

256
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,980
I mean, if it was that good, they'd have
had it 50 years ago when they built

257
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:36,980
these houses.

258
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,120
My thoughts entirely, Dorothy.

259
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,780
Right, I'll nip up to see Mr Merton.

260
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,880
You've already been up, Arthur.

261
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,720
Oh, yes, right.

262
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:54,980
Is there something wrong with his gums?

263
00:14:55,420 --> 00:14:57,240
Yes, yes, I've got him some cream.

264
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,120
Oh, that's a good idea.

265
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,440
She won't have paid for them herself,
you know. Oh, no.

266
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:08,940
That'll be her garden.

267
00:15:09,260 --> 00:15:10,380
He's very flash.

268
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:13,860
He's not caught in, though. Not like my
Malcolm.

269
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:15,900
Malcolm's caught in?

270
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,239
Oh, yes.

271
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:21,680
Judith Potts and the chemist. Judith
Potts. Oh, I don't know.

272
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,500
It was only yesterday he was in short
trousers.

273
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,760
No, that was Sunday, Arthur.

274
00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:28,739
Do you remember?

275
00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:29,940
He was playing in the garden.

276
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,200
That's a bit of a terror.

277
00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:34,280
Yes, you're not wrong there.

278
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,540
It's very dry though, isn't it?

279
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:37,960
Yes.

280
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:57,860
Hello, Mum. Hello, Valentino.

281
00:15:58,140 --> 00:15:59,980
You're back quick from the post office.

282
00:16:00,340 --> 00:16:01,500
Skip there and back, Mum.

283
00:16:02,110 --> 00:16:03,110
A beautiful day.

284
00:16:03,350 --> 00:16:05,710
The sun's shining and the birds are
singing.

285
00:16:06,150 --> 00:16:08,210
I've got a lovely feeling in me belly.

286
00:16:08,830 --> 00:16:13,050
Oh, don't go near that bowl. I'm
bleaching your dad's underpants.

287
00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:15,930
I'm noticing all these things now, you
know, ma 'am.

288
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:17,630
I've got three magpies.

289
00:16:17,970 --> 00:16:22,230
One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a
girl.

290
00:16:22,490 --> 00:16:26,190
Oh, three for a girl. Judith Potts. Oh!

291
00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:30,290
Why do birds...

292
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:37,390
Suddenly I fear every time you are near.

293
00:16:38,590 --> 00:16:45,270
Just like me, they long to be close to
you.

294
00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:12,369
To flamboyant.

295
00:17:19,050 --> 00:17:20,230
To biting.

296
00:17:25,829 --> 00:17:27,369
To razzmatazz.

297
00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:33,750
To George Michael.

298
00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:49,750
Give us a twirl.

299
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:55,630
Now pop upstairs and if your dad doesn't
sleep, dab on some of his old spice.

300
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:03,510
Can you

301
00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:07,410
imagine the excitement of Judy's box now
with only two hours to go?

302
00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:10,390
My throat keeps going dry, Mum.

303
00:18:10,650 --> 00:18:11,950
Oh, don't be daft.

304
00:18:12,510 --> 00:18:15,330
Right, let's go see what's going to
happen.

305
00:18:15,610 --> 00:18:17,090
I'll be Judy, you'll be you.

306
00:18:18,090 --> 00:18:20,410
Get over by the picture house. Where is
it?

307
00:18:20,810 --> 00:18:21,810
The fridge.

308
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:33,110
Yes, you see, she'll be a couple of
minutes late. That's the woman's

309
00:18:33,110 --> 00:18:34,110
prerogative.

310
00:18:34,630 --> 00:18:35,770
Right, here she comes.

311
00:18:41,230 --> 00:18:42,990
Well, what's the first thing you do?

312
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:45,490
Hello, Judith Potts. No, Malcolm.

313
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,420
You give her a little kiss on the cheek.

314
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,980
But not both cheeks, mind.

315
00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:53,080
You don't want to scare her off thinking
you're a continental playboy.

316
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:59,400
Well? I like your absolutely stunning
dress, Judith.

317
00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:02,020
Good. You smell like a rose.

318
00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:06,140
Do you want to go on the toilet before
we go in the pictures?

319
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,100
Perhaps.

320
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:11,240
Yeah, if it shows you're considerate.

321
00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:13,500
How's Mr Malick?

322
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:14,760
Good, Tack.

323
00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:19,670
Yes, talk to her about illnesses and
rashes and spots, because that's her

324
00:19:19,730 --> 00:19:21,330
you see, working in a chemist.

325
00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:24,210
Right. But, Malcolm, let her talk.

326
00:19:24,490 --> 00:19:25,870
Don't hog the conversation.

327
00:19:26,450 --> 00:19:29,530
Your personality can sometimes overpower
people, you know.

328
00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:33,730
But otherwise... Ooh, you're a charley
charm himself.

329
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:40,630
Now, be sure to sit next to her when you
get in the picture house.

330
00:19:40,950 --> 00:19:43,510
Don't sit behind her, like you do with
me.

331
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:46,530
And you must insist on paying for you
both.

332
00:19:46,870 --> 00:19:50,010
I mean, I know it's the 90s. No, I'm
definitely paying, ma 'am.

333
00:19:50,310 --> 00:19:52,990
If it's one thing I know, it's how to
treat a lady, right?

334
00:19:53,390 --> 00:19:55,290
Yes, you do, son.

335
00:19:56,290 --> 00:19:58,310
Now, look at these.

336
00:19:58,670 --> 00:20:00,170
You can see your face in them.

337
00:20:00,670 --> 00:20:03,350
Very important, that, polished shoes,
you know.

338
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,190
Shows you've made the effort.

339
00:20:06,110 --> 00:20:08,410
Now, have you got your polos ready?

340
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:09,790
Yeah.

341
00:20:09,890 --> 00:20:12,190
Pop one in your mouth before you go to
kiss her.

342
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:15,860
And then, if it falls into her mouth
when you're kissing, it's an unexpected

343
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:16,860
treat.

344
00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:18,440
Girls like that, Malcolm.

345
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:19,960
Thanks, Mum.

346
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,440
Oh, if only I was 30 years younger.

347
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:24,980
And not your mother.

348
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:26,960
How do you feel?

349
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:28,960
Excited and nervous.

350
00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:31,620
Well, that's exactly how you should
feel.

351
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,960
Oh, do you remember how nervous you were
before your cycling proficiency test?

352
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,840
I got runs, didn't I, Mum?

353
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:39,620
Let's not dwell on diarrhea.

354
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:42,310
Not when there's romance in the air.

355
00:20:43,950 --> 00:20:45,570
Let me get your face.

356
00:20:57,870 --> 00:20:58,870
Perfection.

357
00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:01,390
Are you not bothered when your dog will
call?

358
00:21:01,730 --> 00:21:04,290
No, I'm no stranger to danger.

359
00:21:05,050 --> 00:21:07,510
Malcolm, are you all prepared?

360
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,140
You're doing the trick where you pull
your eyelids inside out.

361
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:25,980
Go for it, Malcolm.

362
00:21:26,380 --> 00:21:27,720
Go for it, son.

363
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:44,920
Oh.

364
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,860
My little Malcolm.

365
00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:52,100
All grown up. Going on his first date.

366
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:07,480
Hello, Casanova.

367
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:08,920
Hiya, Mum.

368
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,640
Well, what happened?

369
00:23:10,980 --> 00:23:12,580
Oh, tell me before I burst.

370
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,780
It was all right. The boat sank and I
felt sorry for the captain. He looked

371
00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:21,020
sad. Not the film, you dafty. How did
you get on with Judith?

372
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:22,640
Oh, it's all right.

373
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:24,340
Well, did you kiss her?

374
00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:25,620
Yeah.

375
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,340
And are you going to see her again?

376
00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:28,660
I don't know.

377
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,240
Malcolm, look at me, son.

378
00:23:36,620 --> 00:23:38,320
She didn't turn up, did she?

379
00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:41,220
No, ma 'am.

380
00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:43,480
And did you go in on your own?

381
00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:46,060
Yeah.

382
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,560
Oh, Malcolm.

383
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:53,740
She might have a perfectly good reason
for not turning up.

384
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,900
She might have been in a road accident.

385
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,160
Oh, please, God, let that be the case.

386
00:23:59,180 --> 00:24:00,740
Oh, how disappointing.

387
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,420
Must be for you as well.

388
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,260
I'm going to march you straight down to
that chemist in the morning and demand

389
00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:08,260
an explanation.

390
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:13,180
No. Well, it's no good calling the
police over things like this. They won't

391
00:24:13,180 --> 00:24:14,180
press charges.

392
00:24:14,260 --> 00:24:15,640
Remember last time?

393
00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:21,080
Oh, Judith Potts. I always thought there
was something wrong with her.

394
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,660
A girl that age and no boyfriend.

395
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,460
Oh, you're better off well clear of
that, madam.

396
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,500
And them shampoo bottles are never in
the right order.

397
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:32,280
Oh.

398
00:24:33,100 --> 00:24:34,880
Are we going to break it to your father?

399
00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:36,860
We'll have to tell him, ma 'am.

400
00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:38,960
Best get the heartbreak over with.

401
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,780
I'll have to ring Arthur and tell him
that she's dumped you.

402
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,480
I don't know what I'm going to say to Mr
Malick.

403
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,960
Well, let's look on the bright side.

404
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,020
I bet you've still got some of that £12
left.

405
00:24:53,740 --> 00:24:54,980
Did you have a fish supper?

406
00:24:55,380 --> 00:24:58,400
Yeah. Where did you eat it? On the wall
by the chippy.

407
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:02,000
Oh, looking to all the world like a man
who'd been...

408
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,200
stood up.

409
00:25:03,540 --> 00:25:05,860
Well, you've had a narrow escape.

410
00:25:06,540 --> 00:25:10,520
A high -flying shop assistant like you
should be looking for someone more of

411
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:11,520
your own standing.

412
00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:14,500
But I liked her, ma 'am. Don't rub it
in.

413
00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:16,240
She's history to me now.

414
00:25:17,980 --> 00:25:21,420
We've got to put it behind us. We've got
to start again.

415
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:23,140
Oh, I know.

416
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:28,840
I'll make you a nice mug of Horlicks and
two jammy dodges, seeing as you're in a

417
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:29,840
crisis.

418
00:25:32,700 --> 00:25:35,460
Malcolm, I've had two jammy dodgers.

419
00:25:37,820 --> 00:25:41,580
Oh, Malcolm, you really liked her,
didn't you?

420
00:25:42,740 --> 00:25:47,500
Oh, it's like a brief encounter, only
without the encounter.

421
00:25:52,940 --> 00:25:55,440
Oh, I don't know whether that's the
answer, Malcolm.

422
00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:59,240
Anyway, I don't think handlebar motor
dash would suit you.

423
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,940
I tell you what, you're too upset to go
and work tomorrow.

424
00:26:05,260 --> 00:26:08,940
Have yourself another sickie and we'll
pop down Arthur's allotment.

425
00:26:09,380 --> 00:26:11,780
His cabbages are the talk of the town
this year.

426
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,080
Night, night.

427
00:26:16,220 --> 00:26:17,220
Sleep tight.

428
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,260
Don't let the bedbugs bite.

429
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:22,920
No.

430
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:33,840
on for you.

431
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:40,780
Poor Malcolm.

432
00:26:42,180 --> 00:26:45,280
That troll of Judith Potts and the
chemist never showed.

433
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,620
Mind you, you said she wouldn't, didn't
you?

434
00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:51,380
You were spot on.

435
00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:54,860
I think he's over the worst of it now,
though.

436
00:26:57,580 --> 00:26:59,320
Good night, Mr. Merton.

437
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:25,720
himself.